Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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