Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Pooping to opera.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
