White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
