Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
