I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
