If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
