Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
