I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
