I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
