You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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