I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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