im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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