She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
