hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
