Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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