I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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