Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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