Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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