he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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