I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
