I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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