Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
