someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
