Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
