if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
