onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
