it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
