I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
