you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
