Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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