Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
