u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
