so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
