Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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