I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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