I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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