So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
the liver wants what the liver wants
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
