I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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