I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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