so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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