I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
