hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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