Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
