yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
