I wish I could punch you in the face.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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