I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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