I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
