I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
