The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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