mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
