I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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