Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You left your phone here
Wait...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
