He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
