I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
